Thieving Fear Read online

  'What do you want me to feel?'

  'He's talking to everyone, Charlotte. It isn't just about you.'

  Ellen's stare suggested that her face – indeed, her whole body – was somewhere she was desperate not to be. Hugh's eyes jittered in their sockets as though nothing they showed him were capable of reassuring him. He and Ellen were aggravating their own problems, Charlotte thought, and so would she unless she told them so. She was taking a breath when Rory spoke.

  At least, the sound had ambitions to be a word. It was certainly the best he could achieve along the lines of a refusal or a denial. It was feebler than his previous cry, not loud enough to bring any of the hospital staff. Hugh and Ellen might have imagined that he was sinking deeper into a nightmare, so deep that it swallowed most of his plea, but wasn't it equally likely that he was protesting about the arguments around him? 'It's getting worse for him as well,' Hugh said. 'We've got to do something while there's time.'

  Ellen seemed reluctant, though by no means as much as Charlotte, to ask 'What?'

  'We can talk about that on the way. We have to go back.'

  His gaze strayed towards footsteps approaching down the ward. Charlotte hoped they belonged to a nurse or someone more authoritative who might intervene somehow, but it was Annie. 'Going somewhere nice?' she said.

  TWENTY-SIX

  Ellen felt less alone for having admitted the truth about Thurstaston until Hugh whispered 'Everyone else should stay here. I'll go.'

  'Rory doesn't have much choice, Hugh,' Charlotte said.

  'I know that,' Hugh muttered as if reproving her for a tasteless joke. 'That's why I'm going. I mean you two.'

  'So you can't be as bad as you think you are.'

  'I don't follow.'

  'That's all you seem to have been doing lately.'

  'Why are you being like this, Charlotte?' Ellen gripped her toadstool knees through the inadequate concealment of her trousers to keep her detestable hands from invading her vision. 'How do you think it can help?'

  'I'm simply saying if Hugh's able to go all that way by himself he can't very well be as disoriented as I've been imagining he is.'

  'You sound as if you want him to be.'

  Charlotte hunched her shoulders as if clenching her body around her thoughts. Perhaps she was miming her awareness of Annie at her back, since she said almost inaudibly 'If we're going to argue, let's do it outside.'

  'Why do we have to at all?' Hugh said as low. 'That's what he wants.'

  Charlotte stared at him and opened her mouth, then twisted around on her chair. 'Annie, could you call us if there's any change? We just want to step into the corridor for a few minutes.'

  'You go and have your conference. That's what families are for.' Annie patted her husband's unresponsive hand, perhaps in memory of a discussion or many of them. 'Your Rory's safe with me,' she said.

  Hugh glanced nervously out of the window as he stood up once his cousins had. Ellen saw Annie watching her with a mixture of concern and encouragement that she might have directed at a patient who had risen from one of the beds. She trudged after Charlotte with Hugh at her heels, but Charlotte stopped short of the exit and swung around. 'You know what we should do while we have the chance.'

  'Sounds like you're going to tell us,' Hugh said rather than invited.

  Charlotte turned to the sister behind the desk. 'I wonder if there's anyone we could consult? I've developed a bad case of claustrophobia. Hugh's sense of direction has gone haywire, hasn't it, Hugh, and . . .'

  Ellen heard the words flinch from describing her. If even Charlotte couldn't find any for her, Ellen's state must be worse than she knew. Sheer professionalism let the sister hide her revulsion as she gazed at Ellen while telling Charlotte 'We should have people you can see.'

  'Can we now?' Hugh said.

  'You'd have to make appointments, I'm afraid.'

  'How soon?' As he grew red-faced with impatience or with embarrassment at sounding childish, he added 'I mean how soon will they be for?'

  'I couldn't speak for our consultants, but –'

  'Today?'

  'No, not today. I shouldn't think this week.'

  'That's no use. It's too late.'

  'Well, I'm very sorry,' the sister said, perhaps unaware that he'd addressed the complaint to Charlotte.

  Charlotte left it until she'd bustled him out of the ward as if dealing with an impolite child. Once the doors shut behind Ellen as well Charlotte said 'I come back to what I was saying. You can't be as bad as you've been making us worry you are if you can do without medical help.'

  'If it's only a nightmare I ought to be able to live with it, shouldn't I? I'll have to for Rory's sake.'

  As Ellen realised she didn't agree with him or Charlotte, Hugh managed to direct his gaze at her. 'Not just his,' he said.

  'You can't use us as an excuse,' Charlotte said, 'if you won't tell us what you're proposing to do.'

  'I wouldn't say he was making excuses, Charlotte.'

  'All right then, reason, though I don't think that particularly fits either. Maybe I will if you tell us, Hugh.'

  'We don't want you going off by yourself without a plan,' Ellen said, 'and no idea what you may be facing.'

  'I'll find him and dig him out if you tell me where. He won't like that. I bet he doesn't like the light, in fact I know he won't.'

  'Hugh,' Charlotte said as though she wanted to compete with Ellen at gentleness. 'A few minutes ago you were acting as if you thought someone was outside the window. I'm assuming that was supposed to be the same person.'

  Hugh's gaze veered left and right along the corridor. He might have been searching for the person referred to, if not a way to escape the interrogation, as he said 'I wish we were in one of your books and things would be simpler.'

  'Books aren't as simple as all that. You should try writing one sometime,' Ellen said and felt ashamed of turning on him. 'Anyway, no need to get confused. Take my word, he's in the cliff. If he seems to be anywhere else as well that'll just be part of the nightmare.'

  'So at least now you're accepting things aren't real,' Charlotte said. 'You tell her, Hugh.'

  'We're all living in our nightmares,' Hugh said, struggling to keep his gaze on Ellen. 'Is that what you mean?'

  'I'm asking you to tell her whether she needs to starve herself.'

  'Of course you don't, Ellen.' Hugh's eyes grew moist if no more stable. 'You mustn't,' he pleaded. 'Look at you.'

  Ellen found her lips difficult to operate, proof that they were as thick as they felt. 'I'd rather not,' she succeeded in pronouncing.

  'We are,' Charlotte assured her, 'and what do we see? Tell her, Hugh. This is a lot more important than going off.'

  His eyes had lost their way again. Ellen watched him drag his gaze back to her as he said 'You're thin enough. You're too thin. Don't be any more.'

  'He's right, Ellen. You must see that,' Charlotte said, but then she looked away from Ellen. 'What's the matter with her?'

  Ellen thought this meant her until she realised Charlotte was peering into the ward. Annie was beckoning while she leaned sideways towards Rory's bed and turned her eyes to it. Charlotte shoved the doors apart and hurried down the room. 'What's wrong, Annie?'

  'I don't know if it's wrong,' Annie said and returned her free hand to clasping her husband's. 'I thought I heard him say something.'

  'Who did?' Hugh called, his breath fluttering on the nape of Ellen's neck.

  'Your Rory. Who else would it have been?'

  Ellen rubbed her moist neck and snatched her hand away from rediscovering how spongy her flesh was. 'What did he say?'

  'He doesn't look like he said anything, does he? Maybe I dozed off for a minute and dreamed it. I truly thought I heard him, but I haven't been getting much sleep.'

  Ellen sought refuge in the space between the beds. Rory appeared not to have shifted, and his hand didn't stir when she made herself reach for it. At least he didn't flinch from her touch, but she kept her gaze
on Annie while Hugh insisted 'What did you think he said?'

  'I thought he was asking for something,' Annie said, only to shake her head.

  Charlotte was sitting sideways on her chair as if she were a mediator. With sufficient patience for all three of them she prompted 'And that would have been . . .'

  'Something to write with. I thought it was because he couldn't talk.'

  'It's harder to write,' Hugh objected.

  'He mightn't realise, might he? I don't know what else he'd have meant by a pen.'

  Ellen felt Hugh's stare fasten on her. As she met it he spoke for at least the two of them. 'What exactly do you think he said?'

  'I'm not sure exactly. I don't suppose he would have been. Something about a pen, that's all I could make out.' More obstinately than Ellen thought was called for Annie added 'If I did.'

  'Something pen, you're saying he said.'

  'That's about it,' Annie said and then fingered her lips as if to check that they were working properly. 'Half a tick, though. Maybe it was more like pen something. It wouldn't have been pendulum, would it? That doesn't seem to make sense.'

  'It doesn't,' Charlotte told her cousins in particular.

  'How about demand? I suppose that would mean he was wanting it.'

  'He's wanting all right,' Hugh said and stumbled to his feet. 'I've got to be going. I need to be there well before dark.'

  Charlotte crouched over the end of the bed as if a weight had pressed her skull down. 'Suppose you aren't?'

  'I will be. I've plenty of time still,' he said and lurched at the aisle.

  Ellen imagined him losing his way, wandering desperately as the night caught up with him. She squeezed Rory's hand before levering her sluggish body, her slug of a body, off the chair. 'You're going to need me, Hugh.'

  'I'll be best off by myself,' he hissed, concealing his words from Annie with his left hand. 'You don't want to see.'

  'I've seen once,' Ellen murmured, only to grasp that he was referring to whatever he might have to do. 'I'll need to show you where. You'll stay here, won't you, Charlotte?'

  'Someone certainly has to,' Charlotte said but seemed inclined to follow them, presumably to dissuade them. 'You're actually going to do this,' she said under her breath.

  'That's right,' Hugh said and strode with a little less conviction towards the doors. He held the left one open for Ellen, so that she almost failed to notice he was uncertain which way to go. At least the corridor was empty, but she would be visible to spectators soon enough. It was just the start of the journey, and already she was dreading what she and Hugh might encounter on the way, never mind at the end. As the doors met with a discreet thump like the surreptitious fall of a lid, she heard Annie summarise the sudden exodus. 'Was it something I said?'

  TWENTY-SEVEN

  The express was more than an hour out of Leeds, and flanked by suburbs as bad as identical, when Hugh ceased to be able to silence his doubts. 'This is wrong.'

  Ellen opened her eyes as if they were sluggish with gum. 'Don't say you're having second thoughts after we've been to all this trouble.'

  Perhaps she was thinking of the farce outside the hospital, where he had looked the wrong way for the first three taxis she'd elected him to hail. Or she might be remembering how his disorientation and her loathing of spectators had almost made them miss the train once she'd succeeded in ushering him through the crowd to buy tickets. He'd spent most of the journey gazing at her, largely so that the views from the train wouldn't snatch away any lingering sense of direction, but could she think he was striving to convince her that she didn't revolt him? Of course she didn't, though he had to stifle his dismay at the sight of the frail undernourished sufferer she'd become in case she mistook it for disgust. 'I'm not,' he said, and when her depleted face worked as if she wished she could slough it 'You aren't, are you?'

  'I'm not my cousin, Hugh.'

  'Charlotte, you mean.' Since she wasn't there he risked saying 'I wouldn't want you to be.'

  'We shouldn't put her down. She's done a lot for me.'

  Beyond Ellen heads swayed gently with the motion of the train, and Hugh had to tell himself that none of them was shaking in mockery of his remark, let alone too thin to be decently alive. If anyone like that was behind him, surely Ellen would have noticed, but in a sense it was the lack of intrusion that bothered him. 'Is it hard for you, doing this?' he said.

  'No harder than it's been for you, I should think.'

  'That's what I was getting at. That's what's wrong.'

  'You're saying you'd like me to feel worse.'

  'You know I wouldn't like it. I'm asking if you do.'

  'Well, you're certainly making it happen,' Ellen said with a kind of anguished triumph.

  Hugh stretched out his hands, only for her gaze to weigh them down until they sank to his knees. 'I don't mean to, but –'

  'Just leave well alone, Hugh.' Ellen's lips worked on their shape before she gave in to adding 'Except well isn't the word.'

  'It will be,' Hugh said and advanced his hands again. 'I promise.'

  A hint of affection not entirely divorced from amusement glimmered in her eyes. 'What are you trying to promise me, Hugh?'

  'To stop what's happening to you. What you think is happening. What he's making you think.'

  Each variation seemed less able to reach her. Perhaps they were driving her further inside her head – and then Hugh realised that his hands were hovering as if he couldn't bear to touch her. Before he had time to be inhibited by his clumsiness, he took hold of her arms. The sleeves of her crumpled garment yielded even more than he was afraid they would, and his innards quailed as he felt how gaunt her arms had grown, but he held her as she did her best to draw back. 'Don't, Hugh,' she said low and unevenly. 'Especially not here.'

  'Why not here?' His head was filling with a mass of stale perfume and the drunken rocking of the carriage, but he didn't let go. 'What don't you want people to see?'

  'You can't still need to ask that. You aren't so lacking in imagination.'

  'I don't mind if they all look. They're welcome to see how much I care about you.' Though his face was growing more uncomfortably hot than any childhood fever, and he seemed to be clinging to her so that his hands wouldn't betray his awkwardness, none of this could silence him. 'I'm not doing this just for Rory,' he blundered onwards. 'It's mostly for you.'

  'If you say so, but you're hurting me.'

  He was about to take this as a simple rebuff when he grasped that he might be bruising her starved arms. He released them so hastily that he wondered if he seemed eager to be done with touching her. As he patted them to compensate, a jerk of the train flung him back on his seat. 'That wasn't me,' he protested. 'It was the driver.'

  'You're a good person, Hugh. We all know you are.'

  He felt as if she'd placed him at a distance far greater than the gap between the seats, and so he could only return to his dogged subject. 'Do you understand what I was trying to say now at least?'

  'Are we back at that again? Can't we find our way away from it and leave it alone?'

  Though her choice of words seemed thoughtless, Hugh managed to say only 'Don't you think someone else is?'

  'I've no idea what you're asking me to think.'

  'I don't want to say too much.'

  'You are, though. It just isn't making a great deal of sense.'

  Hugh leaned forwards, gripping the edge of the seat to reassure Ellen that he wasn't about to grab her. 'Suppose talking about you know who brings him?' he said barely louder than the monologue of the wheels.

  'Too many people around, Hugh.'

  He was behaving irrationally in at least one way: it surely couldn't matter how quietly or otherwise he spoke. He sat back, to Ellen's visible relief, before saying 'Now we're on our way you know where to do you know what, shouldn't he be trying to make things worse for us?'

  Hugh had begun to wonder if she found his language childish by the time she said 'Perhaps he's distracted b
y us splitting up.'

  'Leaving the others at the hospital, you mean.' When she confirmed this with a solitary nod Hugh said 'But he made us all have nightmares when we weren't together.'

  'Maybe it takes more of an effort to keep them up.'

  'Suppose it's to make us think he doesn't care if we find him?'

  'I think you were right before. We ought to stop talking about it. Let's concentrate on getting there and seeing what can be done.'

  This made Hugh more aware of the purpose of their journey than he wanted to anticipate. Perhaps Ellen sensed his disquiet, because she said 'Think of Rory if it helps.'

  It almost did, but only for a moment. 'Maybe he's there,' Hugh blurted. 'Him.'

  'I thought we said that's just a kind of nightmare.'

  'He could be busy doing something to Rory. Suppose that's why we're being left alone?'

  'I expect Charlotte would call us if there were any developments.'

  'We should have asked her to.' Hugh dragged his mobile from whichever pocket it was in. 'I want to be sure,' he felt defiant for saying.

  He'd begun to wonder if some event at the hospital was distracting Charlotte by the time she said 'Where have you got to?'

  He could have done without her turn of phrase. 'We're on the train,' he said.

  'I thought you'd have to be. Any problem?'

  'Not here, well, not more than we've been having. How about there?'

  'Just the same as when you left.' Before Hugh could decide whether this contained any accusation Charlotte said 'Sorry, I should have thought. I didn't notice.'

  'What didn't you? What's wrong?'

  'Quiet a moment, Hugh. You're right, absolutely. It's going off. I'll take it out if I need to.' Closer to the phone she said 'We aren't meant to use mobiles in here. There's a sign at the entrance, apparently.'

  'We just wondered how Rory's getting on. Will you let us know if there's any change?'

  'So long as I can reach you.'